Wednesday, November 18, 2009

5 Reasons Why Martha Stewart Infuriates Me


5 Reasons Why Martha Stewart Infuriates Me

I realize that this is a shallow post.  But I’ve been compared to Martha Stewart by people. I think this is because I’m of Polish descent (Martha is 100%, I’m only 50%). We both dye our hair blond and we both love the home-making arts. I’m never sure if the people who compare me to Martha mean this as a compliment or if they’re telling me they can’t stand me. This is because my own view of the famous homemaker and businesswoman is conflicted at best.
Here’s why:
1. Martha Stewart ruined Halloween. This is true. Halloween used to be a perfectly loveable minor “holiday” where small (under 12) children threatened their neighbors with vandalism if they didn’t give them candy which they brought home and which their parents ate while they were sleeping. Lovely, innocent fun. Now everyone dresses up—even 60 year old women like Martha and they decorate their houses in ghastly ways.
This is Martha’s fault.
Have you seen the pictures of her dressed like a witch for Halloween? It’s terrifying even though air-brushed. The pictures literally scared the craft out of me.
Mind you she uses silk from Milan to make the witch’s costume and the warts on her face are actually sun-dried truffles sprayed with her special Halloween cobweb glitter. She has entire magazines devoted to making fake cobwebs! Why is that a good use of time? Just come over, you can have mine- which are all natural and organic! And how about the instructions about how to make fake blood?. Really, Martha? People need a recipe for that? Do you know she even recommends making candy containers for children in the shape of coffins? I vote for turning October back into a fun month of leaves and pumpkins. Or we could try Octoberfest. Beer is better than ketchup blood.

2. Martha made me buy it. So I was reading the article about how to package cookies in an irresistible and creative way and I was hooked. It all looked so European and neatly tied up. I loved especially the red and white baker’s string. I read the supplies list. Hmmm, Martha recommends “waxed linen twine.” Waxed linen twine?
This is what always happens, I read her articles, I believe I can do it, then I find out the depth of her compulsion and I want to scream. Waxed linen twine! Well, I guess nobody could find waxed linen twine or even linen twine, or even pretty twine at Michael’s so she started offering her own version of the red and white baker’s string. It was way expensive—like $3.00 for an itty bitty little spool. Of course you could buy it also in orange and green. Sigh. At the time I was helping to run a café at school where we were trying to sell baked goods. How nice our cookies and muffins would look packaged and tied with that way too expensive red and white string!
Then a miracle! I found a GIANT spool of it! For nearly the same price as Martha was charging for her mini spool. I bought it. Just to show Martha I could get it cheaper. Shortly after that, our café closed. Anybody want some string? It may not be waxed and it’s definitely not linen, but I have some leftover.  And there might be a few other things as well...which is why I'm mad at Martha, you see.

3. Martha hand mixes her peat moss. You read that right. I was watching her show once and she was talking about the importance of peat moss. If you don’t garden, peat moss is dessicated organic matter (leaves and twigs) that gardeners add to their soil for nutrients and to help the soil retain the right amount of water. When I plant something, I dig the dirt out, mix it with 1/3 as much peat moss and then put that around the new plant. Martha of course does the same as me. But she couldn’t stop there. Oh, no! She confided that she buys her peat moss from 3 different countries in Europe and has the bundles shipped to her where she mixes them. Okay, peat moss is available at Home Depot for under ten dollars a bale. (a bale is a enough to last a couple of years) And dessicated leaves and twigs are supposed to be cheap! They’re crumbled up rotting leaves! I'm so mad from now on I'm going to make my own.

4. On her show, Martha is nicer to animals than she is to kids. Have you seen the shows where Martha fits an entire exotic zoo, plus her dogs into the only room in her several houses that is ten feet by ten feet? She’s ecstatically happy. She coos and purrs. That’s fine.
Have you her with children? I watched one episode where she was teaching some children how to set the table. The kid put the utensils down next to the plate ,which if you ask me, is pretty good. Not good enough. She glanced at him, her back straight as an ruler. “The knife goes in.” The child looked up at her. “In! The knife goes in!” By this time she was growling, not wanting to scream on TV I suppose, though her face looked like she was screaming inside. “In! In!” The boy picked up the knife.  He looked terrified. His eyes were big as donuts, his hand holding the knife trembled. She grabbed his hand, twirled the knife around and slammed his hand down on the table so that the blade was pointing toward the plate. “The blade goes in!” Glad you sorted that out for us, Martha.

5. Martha, you can’t be serious. Here’s a quote from her magazine in an article about trees. I’m not exaggerating, I’m quoting.  I typed it while looking at the actual, printed page. “The new glittery trees look better themed and more monotone. This year, I will be using bronze trees in my dining room with silver tinsel and vintage red ornaments. In the living room, I plan to set up silver trees. The trees will be filled with green and turquoise ornaments and bead swags I’ve collected. In my bird room…”
Her bird room? I have nothing else to say on this.

If truth be told, I suppose part of me envies or admires Martha’s endless creativity and her shameless pursuit of some quality so far beyond excellence it has no name. But that same part of me is usually really mad at her, too.  I just can't keep up.

11 comments:

  1. THIS is hilarious and all too true!!! The sun- dried truffle reference made me laugh out loud. I bet you are right!!!!
    If only she could combine her amazing creativity and skills with those elements that give them lasting value- kindness,compassion, and generosity of spirit. I am glad to say that you exhibit these elements in abundance, along with your superb home making skills.
    Maybe a tv show is in your future?? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I laughed, maybe too much, at this post. I find you to be much more friendly and beautiful than Martha. I really love your blog, too- and I don't even read Martha's blog.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I LOVE THIS. You are too funny Ms Nebbia. Its good to see that I'm not the only one who thinks she is crazy.


    <3 Kendra

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is one of the funniest posts I have read in awhile. I had no idea you were so spunky... I guess I did, but forgot. I need to reconnect and spend more time with you. I am sure if people compare you to Martha they meant it as a compliment b/c you have such amazing home making skills. But you far exceed Martha, b/c when you look at Martha you instantly feel like a tiny pebble, like "why try when I know I could never get mine to look like that?" but you are one of the most encouraging people I know and you always seem to have this way of building people up and making them believe they can do way more than they would have ever attempted or thought possible on their own.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually I could use the sting... and I agree with all you said and all the comments yet I still lug my huge and heavy box of old Martha Stewart Living magazines in each move and find my self on her website for ideas...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes. I love that Martha Stewart is in fact a scary old bird lady and no one says anything about it. Not to mention the fact that she has booze segment on nearly every show where she samples ALL the punch if you will. It looks like someone picked up some bad habits in the slammer.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hahha. It scared the CRAFT out of you....hahahha

    ReplyDelete
  8. Let us not give Martha Stewart too much credit for her creativity. She has a team of managers, writers, and publicists who undoubtedly generate most of the craft/decor ideas to which Martha attaches her label.

    Frankly, her style of speech annoys me. It is so precise as to seem condescending.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great LINE: literally scared the craft out of me.

    This was soooooo funny Loris and all so true!

    Marilou

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so funny! I love reading your posts!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. She's a caricature but doesn't realize it! Doesn't she have a line of products at Target? (yes, I shop there frequently but would never buy her stuff)

    ReplyDelete